Playland Vindication?

I took the monkeys to McDonalds playland yesterday as a special treat.  Owen and Jack haven’t always had the kindest behavior at playlands...  And while my guys have not been the instigators of any problems, they have joined in on some unkind behaviors when provoked.  So, I gave the monkeys a short reminder before we entered the restaurant.  “Even if someone is unkind to you, just move on and have fun with your brother somewhere else.”

After some playing, Owen and Jack ran back all smiles.  Owen gushed, “there was a little girl who wasn’t with her friend and I said I would move over so she could catch up to her friend.   You said be nice to all of the kids here, so I just did that to be nice.”

A few minutes later I saw a boy of about 4 or 5 in a scuffle with a few other kids.  He had a grey and blue striped shirt – just like the one Jack was wearing.  This Stripy Boy was definitely dominating the scuffle, and I saw a younger girl was tossed down.  I watched for a few seconds,  then noticed – and felt relieved- that Stripy Boy was not Jack, and that the other kids didn’t seem to be hurt.  I thought I saw Owen’s foot rounding the bend away from the scuffle, but I wasn’t sure. 

My attention was drawn to Stripy Boy later when I heard some titters from some parents around me and saw they were chuckling because the boy had his arms around two girls.  I also noted that the girls didn’t seem particularly happy to be with him and his tight grip.  Just then Owen came up behind Stripy Boy and said something to him that I couldn’t hear.  The Stripy Boy yelled, “NO, I don’t ___ (something I didn’t understand)” He then suddenly elbowed Owen in the gut.  I gasped, as did several other parents around me, when Stripy Boy suddenly grabbed Owen by the head and pulled him down to the floor. 

I jumped up and by the time I maneuvered around the chairs that were in my way, Owen was yelling, “Jack! Jack!”  I pulled Owen away from Stripy Boy who quickly let go when he saw me. Owen looked stunned but was not physically hurt.  I blurted (probably unwisely),  “What did you say to that kid??”   Owen answered with big eyes. “Nothing.”  

Now, this is the exact answer I usually receive when Owen would prefer not to repeat what he has just said.  But the look on his face made me feel like there was truth to his answer.  So, we went back to the table with our stuff.  “He did that to me before.”  Owen said.  “I was just trying to get by, and he pulled me down.  I put my hand out and said, ‘STOP’ but he didn’t so I just got away from him.”  And what had Owen said to Stripy Boy when he had been standing behind him the next time? “I saw that the girls didn’t want to play with him so I said, ‘I’ll be your friend.’  Then he yelled that he only plays with girls.  And then he just…”  While he was telling me this story, Owen leaned over and spilled his Chocolate Milk all over his shirt and pants.  He looked shaken up to me -  though he says he had not been afraid of the boy.

I feel sick.

I have tried to teach my boys to be kind to others.  Not to just be kind to those who are kind to you, but to those who are not.   “Mean” kids are often the ones who most truly need someone to be kind to them.  I want my boys to defend themselves– certainly – but I also want him to see that being mean just because someone else is being mean first, doesn’t really solve any problem. 

So here Owen was, living that lesson - out and it totally backfires on him – in two big ways.  Most obviously, the Stripy Boy responded terribly to Owen’s gesture of kindness.  That breaks my heart.  I really hope Owen will offer that again.

But worse – I feel like I let him down.   I ‘m guessing that Owen’s voice calling for Jack is probably what had drawn me to notice the original scuffle - but I had still missed that Owen had even been part of it.  Ug, I hate that I missed it! 

And then, when Owen had been brave enough to reach out to that same boy, I had failed him again.  I had assumed that Owen had not said something nice.  I know that I did not accuse him of that – but I am sure he picked up on my voice inflection.  I also know that it was a normal conclusion to think Owen had said something mean since Stripy Boy had responded in such a harsh way afterwards.  But, if  I want Owen to be able to make the very difficult move of being kind to someone who is mean, then I must do the difficult job of having an open mind even when things don’t look very positive.  If I expect him to try than I have to expect that he is capable of accomplishing what he is trying.  And I do.

I don’t feel guilty.  I just want to do better next time.  And I hope that Owen and Jack will trust – and learn - that people are worth repeated efforts at kindness.  Though maybe learning when to draw a boundary isn’t such a bad lesson to learn either…