Owen has been learning about power lately. As an older sibling he has always realized some power over influencing over his brother’s decisions. But, in broader social situations, he has been mostly kind, and been puzzled by kids who were being bossy – choosing to simply walk away.
But recently he has discovered the power of the bossy person – one who simply claims control.
Our family was at Seattle REI the other day. Owen and Jack were playing in a huge tree-house shaped play-structure where they could can climb up different levels and tunnels and slide down. While our kids were playing, I heard some yelling that sounded like Owen, so I said, “Boy, I don’t think your voice sounds really kind right now. I hope you are acting kind to the kids that are playing here.” I don’t think Owen knew that I could see him hidden away in the tunnels up in that tree – and he seemed startled to hear my voice (read: guilty). He assured me that he would be kind.
I wandered around the nearby kids section and when I returned a few minutes later Owen and Jack were sitting off to the side with Eric. None of them looked very happy.
Apparently a large group of kids ran up to Eric very upset with Owen who was exerting his newfound power by yelling at any kid who dared to try to go through the tree-house tunnel that led to the slide.
When Eric and I tried to talk to Owen about the situation, he didn’t seem too concerned about the unhappy feelings of the other kids. (Which is wildly unlike Owen, who is usually very caring) It was like he just couldn’t get over how exhilarating it felt to be able to control all of those kids. We left REI.
Later that week, I took Owen and Jack to the McDonalds play-land to get a break from the rain. When we first got there, Owen made sure that Jack was able to keep up with him. He lovingly told Jack that they could go down the slide together since Jack was nervous. Jack was still scared and let go of Owen at the last minute, and Owen patiently climbed all the way back up to the top of the slide and helped Jack down another way.
But not much longer after that, I heard a girl say to Owen, “May I get by please?” Owen roared a thunderous sound in her direction, followed by the scream,”No! You are in the dungeon. You can’t get out.” After a few more efforts by the girl to get by Owen, she grabbed his shirt and tried to push past. A little scuffle started. Another smaller girl who was with the first had backed against the far netting upon Owen’s initial bellow. Again, as I tries to talk to Owen, he seemed almost giddy with the discovery of the power he had over those two little girls, and seemed less concerned about their feelings.
We did not waste time in removing ourselves from McDonalds.
It is hard to be a parent at the time your kids act like this. No one wants to be the {seemingly failing} parent of the mean kid. ( I kept wondering to myself – how did this come out of my sweet Owen?!? Am I a bad parent?!?) No one wants their kid to be the mean kid! Certainly I don’t.
I told myself to remember that Owen (and Jack) seem to constantly be in the middle of some kind of cycle. They have days of constant hunger, and then don’t seem to eat for days after that. They have days where they don’t want to share, then days where their brother is the first on their list to serve – even above themselves. Days when it takes at least two requests before they do anything and days when they are willing to do most anything right away.
I hope this current struggle is part of a learning cycle – or something like that.
Today, while we played at the park with a large group of kids and their moms, Owen ran up to me visibly upset and explained that a group of kids had taken his bike, and wouldn’t give it back. As I was giving Owen ideas about what he could do to get his bike back, one of the neighbor boys, Logan, rode up on Owen’s bike. Logan quickly gave the bike to Owen, and when Owen asked him to please not do that again, Logan looked shocked and said, “I didn’t take it from you, I just brought it back to you!” (what a sweetie)
Not too much time went by before Owen came back crying and saying that the kids had taken his bike again. Something was not quite right, and after a few minutes of talking with Owen he admitted that he had been being mean to the kids that took his bike. We discussed some things he could do, and Owen decided to say he was sorry for his actions and tell them he would treat them nicely. We guessed that the kids (a little gaggle of girls) would probably be much happier that way and not take his bike.
While Owen was walking over with me to talk to the girls, Logan ran up to us with the bike again. Owen (very seriously) explained his idea to Logan, and Logan yelled, “That is a great idea! I’ll go with you!” (I hung back thinking it would be better for Owen to approach the kids with his friend rather than his mom. - though, I must admit, it was dying to hear this conversation!)
After Owen talked to the girls, he and Logan rode off on their bikes and played together most of the time that we stayed at the park.
When I talked to Owen later, he shrugged his shoulders and simply said that the girls said, “OK” when he apologized, and didn’t take his bike again.
This is not a well-rounded happy ending to the situation, Owen didn’t seem to haven an “ah-ha! moment” nor does he seem to be miraculously cured of his mean behavior. But I was quite happy with the way that things turned out.
It seems to me that two things happened today.
One -Owen felt the other side of meanness. And while I don’t wish these feelings on him, I think that kindness comes from empathy. It is much easier to be kind to someone if you can understand how it feels when someone is kind (and mean) to you.
And two – Logan showed him another kind of power. Logan could have gone with the group, but he chose to defend Owen and get his bike. While Owen was being mean, taking his bike was mean too. Logan encouraged Owen to apologize and stood with him while he did. (And I know this meant a lot to Owen because he didn’t want to talk to the girls without me, but totally forgot me when Logan came around.)
(I think and hope that Owen noticed that Logan also had great power) And maybe Owen will try out this kind of power very soon.
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